A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked, scaring the kids!"
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.
The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
A father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"!
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says.
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says.
The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building."
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death.
Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well.
Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building.
The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else."
The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else."
Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch."
A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment.
Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..."
The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"
The motivations of man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money, then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health, and then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present the result being that he does not live in the present nor the future, rather he lives as if he is never going to die, and then eventually he dies, having never really lived.
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right? " replied the manager, " My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?
I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.
Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.
My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.
It was around then that the fight started..
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
Can't eat pork,
Can't eat chicken,
Can't eat beef,
Can't eat eggs,
Can't eat fish,
Heavy metal poisons in their waters.
Can't eat fruits and veggies,
insecticides and herbicides.
I believe that leaves Chocolate and ice cream!!!!!!!!
Remember: 'STRESSED' spelled backwards! Is 'DESSERTS'
Little Dannny O'Brian, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.
"What's going on here!" bellowed the officer.
"It's like this officer," winked Danny. "I am on my way to confession...and I'm a little short of material."
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. Hereturned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
— "What I admire most in your art" said Einstein, "is your universality. You don't utter a word, yet....the whole world understands".
— "It's true" retorts Chaplin. "but your glory is bigger still: the whole world admires you, whilst no one understands you."
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott. Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.. "Guess what, Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me...."I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said,
'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her. 'Are you God's wife?'
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, 'I know all about Adoption, I was adopted.'
'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked another child.
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town" said the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.
"No, he went with Mom and Dad" the boy answered.
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message" said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
The main difference between the man and the boy is the price of the toy.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'... I just lost it.'
My husband and I decided to take our teenage daughter to a shopping outlet in nearby New Hampshire one weekend. As we were getting ready to go, Heather came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and my husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, I stepped in, and reminded my husband when we were young I dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, " Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that too !"
"Yes dear", I said, "you did.....you asked me for my phone number!"
A young student reports for a final examination that consists of only true false type statements. The student takes a seat in the hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads means true, tails means false. The young student is all done in 30 minutes while the rest of the class is sweating it out.
But, suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approaches the student and asks what is going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," says the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
A doctor was awakened at four in the morning by a caller who demanded to know how much he charged for a house call.
"Fifty dollars," muttered the sleepy physician.
"How much is an office visit?" asked the caller.
"Okay, Doc, I'll meet you in your office in fifteen minutes."
This was in a liquor store rather than a supermarket. I had stopped in for a bottle of wine to give to the hosts of a party. While I was selecting an appropriate bottle, my daughter (who had just turned four) picked up an especially pretty bottle of vodka, covered in little square blue mirrors. Blue is her favorite color. She danced around holding the bottle until I was done making my purchase.
I left the cashier and told her, "It's time to go, you can put that back on the shelf now."
She replied, in a happy, chirpy voice loud enough for the whole store to hear, "But I love vodka!"
I was in Target shopping with my daughter, who was around 5 at the time and would often make up spontaneous songs.
This particular time she began to chant in a sing-song voice "I saw mommy and daddy having sex."
I'm mortified, other shoppers are staring as if I just blew the stinkest fart. Trying to explain to strangers that I don't have sex in front of my child is not gonna work.
So I ask her in a conversational tone, but a tad louder, "what is having sex?"
She says to my relief "when daddy kisses mommy on her head."
I reply, "what else?"
"Thats all" she says. That's my husband's goodbye to me each morning. I felt so vindicated and looked slightly smug at those judgemental looks.
Whenever I would come home from a long day at work or school, I was so tired the only things I could find energy to do were mindless life-negating nonsense-- television, Netflix, Reddit, Facebook, whatever.
Every night I would somehow find hours of time to do these things (despite being extremely tired), suddenly get a burst of energy towards midnight, stay up way too late, and then get extremely tired the next morning. This cycle would repeat until the weekend, where I would stay up too late on Sunday, and be tired the following Monday. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Several years ago, I replaced this nightmarish routine with the twenty minute rule. Now, the moment I get home, I force myself to do at least twenty minutes of one of the following-- write an article, read a book, practice chess, learn another language with DuoLingo (I try to do this on my phone, not laptop to minimize the risk of distraction), practice guitar, meditate, work on a computer programming language, or improve flexibility with stretching. Customize the activities to suit your interests, but this should generally not involve any computers.
Once you get passed that twenty minute commitment, you will find that you have the energy to keep going. Over the course of a couple weeks, you will have finished a book -- which, for many people, will be the first time they have done so in a long time.
If you simply don't have energy to continue past twenty minutes, or to even start the twenty minutes-- GO TO SLEEP. There is precisely no benefit to watching Netflix until you pass out from exhaustion, only to be tired the next day. You need to make it a habit: don't have energy? Go to sleep. Do have energy? Spend it making yourself better.
I'd adhere to the axiom put forth by PepsiCo CEO, Indra Nooyi, who says, "Assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different."
Of all the nuggets of wisdom I have heard proffered over the years, this one was both the simplest to adopt, and yielded the biggest sea change in attitude and outcomes for me personally.
Why? We are continuously confronted with gray areas in life. People are poor communicators, they are often in internal conflict themselves, and life is inherently paradoxical.
When you assume positive intent, all of those gray areas go from "f-u" moments, to "breathe and understand" moments. You soften, you empathize, you give the benefit of the doubt. You make fewer decisions based upon emotion and ego.
You feel better, and the field of play changes before you.
It's easy. Try it.
A doctor asked a lawyer at a big party: "Damn, these people seize advantage of me being outside my office and consult me here instead of taking appointment at the hospital. It would be rude to tell them to visit my office. What should I do?".
The lawyer replied. "Ask the host for a copy of the guest list, and once you have the names, send first consultancy bills to their addresses."
The doctor said "Yeah that's a good idea. I would do that if the situation gets out of hand."
The next day, the doctor prepared bills for each of the guests who asked for his medical advice. He initially hesitated, but after a few days he decided to go through with it. He was about to leave when he received a bill from the post man. It was from the lawyer.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday..
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don"t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?
About 32," is the reply."
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald"s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she"s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fine way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?
"I promise I won't" she says.
"I was behind you at McDonalds."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
A guy was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point - he really never said too much. One day, a saleswoman knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him an asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming back?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now!"
This was reputed to have been said in some court:
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lady: Do you smoke?
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Man: Ten quid.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years.
Lady: So 1 pack costs £10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at £900. In one year, it would be £10,800 correct?
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari then?
A young software engineer is hiking through the woods when he hears a small voice calling to him. He looks around, puzzled, but doesn't see anyone. "Hey! Down here!" Lowering his gaze, he sees a frog looking earnestly back up at him.
"Please help me," the frog pleads. "I'm actually a beautiful girl, but a witch put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. Kiss me and I'll regain my natural form. I'll be forever grateful to you."
The young man gently picks the frog up, notices a twinkle in its eye, then carefully puts it into his shirt pocket and continues his hike. "Wait!" says the frog. "Don't you get it" I'm a woman. I'm young, stunningly attractive, smart, and witty. We'd be perfect together! I'll be faithfully devoted to you. All you need to do is kiss me!"
"Look," says the man. "I'm an engineer. I spend my days writing code, tweaking algorithms, obsessing about features and efficiency. I spend my evenings online or reading. I covet my weekends as my "alone time," when I immerse myself in nature and ponder the mysteries of life, humanity, and the universe. See, I really don't have time for a girlfriend. But, hey, a talking frog? Now that's cool!
What is the difference between a snake that's been run over by a car and a politician that's been run over buy a car?
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car: Car, go and bring my children from school.
The car went and didn't return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; "These are your children sir". In the car were their Landlady's two daughters, their choir mistress's two sons, his wife's best friend's daughter, their pastor's son and their neighbors two sons.
The Wife said: Don't tell me all these are your children ?.
The man asked her calmly: Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?
Do you know what I hate?
People who answer their own questions.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because gorillas have big fingers.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
— What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
— You're too young to smoke!
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big, heavy feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
— Which is the most loneliest place in the world?
— Complaint department in the parachute office.
— Where do you find a one legged dog?
— Wherever you left it.
Esta lista veicula diariamente uma história, preferencialmente engraçada (afinal, quem não gosta de uma boa piada?), ou uma citação. As histórias estão em inglês, e as palavras mais incomuns são comentadas. Dessa forma os alunos aprendem, todos os dias, duas ou mais palavras novas. Todos os dias. Em um ano esse pequeno esforço diário pode vir a fazer uma grande diferença.